Monday, April 9, 2012

My house is quiet. I am thinking of my kids and remembering them as little people. I remember the constant expressions of love.... The sloppy wet kisses, proposals of marriage, the smell of them after a bath, their delighted laughter, and being the queen of their hearts. I am glad for these memories. They sustain me as I now live in Fledgling, Indepedence. If you've gone back packing, you know how amazing food tastes when you finally quit for the day. Top Ramen never tasted so delicious. Salami and Babybels are fine dining....That is how it seems for me now. The little moments that I probably failed to completely cherish in the moment with my kids are my treats to devour now. So when I see a little one looking at their mama with the, " I adore you", shine in their baby eyes, I am caught time traveling. I remember. I tell my kids these stories....the stories of us. I remember when. And you know what? For maybe the first time that day, I have their full attention. Turns out, they enjoy time traveling too.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Can today be a "do-over"day?

Once upon a time there was this dark cloud. The end.

If I were telling this story to my daughter, she would stop me and say, "Moooooommmm!Tell me the real story." She's right. That's not a story. It's a feeling. And feelings are notorious for changing.
Yesterday there was a fire across the river near our home. The smell was distinctive and thick black cloud began to fill the sky. It was hard to ignore.It seemed a good idea to avoid it as much as possible.
When I was running errands today, I noticed that the smell and the smoke was gone. Really as if it had never happened. It had blown away and was only a memory.
Today was a smoky day in my home. The fire of frustration was burning and it, well, frankly, it was pretty stinky. I was living on my last nerve, frayed as it was. "Discussions" about measuring food,counting carbs, being responsible, being honest and also "inspirational talks" about curbing impulsivity,sensitivity, and all the other "ivities" had left me feeling about as popular as toe nail fungus.
I left to go find a little peace at Goodwill and cool my heels. On the way, I was greeted by a driver who was making his own lane out of whatever he could find. Once at Goodwill, two young women decided to steal some clothes. They had a baby with them.
I realized that I really just wanted to go home. And I did. The day continued with some little clumps of embers still burning.
Finally, with kids in bed and hubby curled up and softly snoozing, I am afforded the time and state of mind to reflect.
I expect that much like that fire, the smoke of this day will blow away. Almost like it never happened. But,now as I think about it.... If I were to go to the scene of the fire across the river, there would be visible signs. A fire always leaves evidence. A mark.
And a fire at home ,or in ourselves is no different. It scorches and scars. It takes time to heal.
Smokey the Bear used to say, "Only YOU can prevent forest fires." That was one smart bear.
Lesson learned today.... Take care of myself so that I am less like a box of kindling and more like a long awaited rain.

Thursday, April 5, 2012


This nest, feathered and warm, is your home, your safe haven.
From it, you can see for miles…. mountains, valleys and endless blue sky.
Here you find rest, safety, food and fellowship. And here is where you find your wings.

For if I let you stay, you will never soar. You will never feel the wind lift you or revel in the glorious dive toward earth. If I let you stay, you will not meet your potential. You will exist frozen in time and in heart.

But if I let you go, I will soar with you as you skim lakes and push to rise over tall mountains.
If I let you go, I go with you, though I stay. I’ll watch you until I can see you no more and then I’ll wait…. remembering when you were small and helpless.
Now you are free. And so am I.
                                                            By tmw for abe